Windows of Opportunity Counseling Services

Taken from: http://www.strengthenyourrelationship.com/
by Dr. Nicastro who pulled together all the expert advise.

1. Couples need to set up a clear boundary around their relationship—this boundary involves saying “no” to the influences that can undermine your relationship.

2. Healthy marriages/relationships require balance between having shared couple-experiences that will feed the relationship while at the same time nurturing their individual interests and pursuits.

3. Without a clear expression of commitment to the relationship, trust and emotional security will suffer. A strong relationship foundation is built on mutual commitment.

4. Direct, clear communication should always be a top priority.

5. Being attuned to your needs, wants and desires is the first step in getting them met—when you’re unclear about your own needs, how can your spouse/partner ever meet them?

6. Not everything needs to be discussed, analyzed and “processed” between partners. Letting go, giving your partner the benefit of the doubt, and practicing forgiveness will go a long way in creating a fulfilling relationship.

7. Words have the power to build empathic bridges between partners, and words also have the power to hurt and create a wasteland of distance between you. Choose your words wisely.

8. Important issues that are repeatedly ignored, minimized or go underground will resurface with a vengeance. A healthy relationship requires facing uncomfortable issues from time to time.

9. Like a wildfire, emotional wounding and defensiveness can spiral out of control and quickly consume a relationship.  Couples need to be mindful of the negative cycles that arise in their relationship.

10. Deliberately creating positive experiences and interactions between the two of you (while facing the uncomfortable issues that need to be addressed) should be an ongoing priority.

11. Emotional intimacy and closeness are built upon both partners being consistent, emotionally available and responsive to one another.

12. Expecting to get all (or even most) of your needs met whenever you want is like expecting the weather to change based upon your whims and preferences.  Unrealistic expectations lead to unhappy marriages/relationships.

13. For some, emotional closeness is a prerequisite for sexual intimacy; for others, sexual intimacy leads to emotional intimacy.

14. Passion and fulfilling sex often needs to be talked about, planned and negotiated (a lack of sexual spontaneity isn’t necessarily a sign of marital/relationship problems).

15. What makes you feel loved and emotionally connected may be very different from what makes your partner feel loved and emotionally close. Communicating and understanding these differences can go a long way in improving your relationship.

16. Certain differences between your and your partner’s communication styles and emotional expressiveness need to be accepted. You can’t make an introvert outgoing, and likewise, don’t expect an extrovert to happily sit home every evening.

17. Friendships are built on joint activities and common interests. In addition to being lovers, couples need to learn to be friends.

18. Couples who actively practice gratitude and appreciation feel a deep sense of connection with one another. It’s too easy to simply focus on what bothers you about your mate while ignoring why you fell in love with him/her in the first place.

19. While a relationship obviously takes two committed people, one person can make a difference in improving the overall quality of the relationship.

20. Fulfilling, healthy relationships are co-created, not found. Couples who work together (at keeping their relationship strong) are more likely to stay together.

While it can be easy to feel overwhelmed by the information presented in this article, remember that you can pick one or two items from the above list and began implementing them into your relationship right away. As a marriage/couples counselor, I’ve seen couples make big differences in their relationship with a simple and relatively small change—the goal is to be consistent and persistent with whatever positive change you’re trying to make.

“Nothing can be more important than being able to choose the way we think.” -EKNATH EASWARAN

I am glad I switched my mediation mantra to something in English. If you want to get something out of it, I guess it makes sense to reflect on something in your own language. Who knew? Anyhow, what I have found just in the few days I have been focusing on the St. Francis invocation is that when I am out and about in the crowded public and get frustrated with people, as I sometimes do, the words to the quote I am meditating on come up and help me put things in perspective and remind me of my renewed chosen purpose.

For example, my greatest challenge these days is right before my once-a-week 8:15 pm yoga class begins. I get there early so I can stretch a bit and then just be at peace. The class is crowded and often there are many new people there. It is the end of the day. I am a bit tired and less patient than usual.

Consequently, I struggle to keep my sense of internal peace. In this late and often overcrowded class, many seem to disregard all the nicely designed posters which state the studio's practice rules: 1) Silence in the Yoga Room (never happens), 2) No Cell Phones in the Yoga Room (never happens; instead, we get texting, checking email, and phones ringing right up until class begins and sometimes even after it begins), and 3) Please Make Sure Your Bags Are Not in the Yoga Room But in the Locker Rooms (never happens; the back of the room looks like a teenager's messy closet). The teachers periodically remind us of the rules. No one listens. Hence, I (at least in my mind) become a "Yoga Nazi." I grumble; I complain; I sigh. Not a good way to start out the class.

What I found last Thursday night before class is that when internal grumblings and rumblings started up within my mind, rather than letting them go on and on and allowing myself to get frustrated, I was able to acknowledge and notice my emotion, and then my mind immediately brought up a phase from the passage I had been meditating upon earlier in the day: "May I be an instrument of peace. May I not so much seek to be understood as to understand." This permitted me to step back and take a different and more compassionate perspective not only on others in the class but with myself as well. I could then decide how I wanted to think about the situation and respond. It was nice. I felt calmer and more in control. I definitely plan on making meditation a regular part of my life. I can see it bringing more goodness and vitality into my life and relationships. I highly recommend it to all.

For more on self awareness see: 7 Steps to Develop Awareness.

 “The secret of meditation is simple: you become what you meditate on. When you use an inspirational passage every day in meditation, you are driving the words deep into your consciousness. Eventually they become an integral part of your personality, which means they will find constant expression in what you do, what you say, and what you think.” 

– Eknath Easwaran 

"Whatever is true, whatever is right, whatever is bound to be excellent, let your mind dwell on these things."

- The Bible