This is what we work on first in couples therapy. We help a couple come together and fight against the negative pattern that has over taken them and caused distress. Once this is accomplished deep rebounding and healing of the relationship can occur. The cycle de-ecalation stage is the usually the longest part of the therapy. Identifying and calming the cycle seems easy but for true de-escaation several things need to happen.
Partners need to be able to:
1. Identify their own position in the cycle
2. Own their position
3. Access softer emotions underlying their position
4. Own their softer emotions
5. Place the softer emotions into the cycle
6.Link partner's behavior to their own attachment emotions and their own reactive emotions
7.Link their own behavior to attachment emotions and partner's reactivity
8. Have a coherent story of the negative interaction cycle as the enemy
9. See partner as more fearful and dangerous
10.Identify cycle in the here and now
11.Interupt the cycle in a way that allows them to fight it together
Once a couple can become a team against the cycle deep bonding can occur.
Sometimes in relationships people get stuck in a pattern of distress where one person pursues for connection in a demanding style and the partner feels overwhelmed and criticized and perhaps shuts down or maybe gets defensive. Ever wonder what is going on for the more withdrawing partner? If we get below the surface, research shows that the more quiet partner is as distressed as the more vocal partner. They often say things like, "I feel like I can't get it right or I am numb or I don't want to make it worse between us." They often report feeling rejected, inadequate, fearful of failure, overwhelmed, numb, frozen, afraid, not wanted, judged or shamed. To find out more about what it is to have a more withdrawing style listen to this podcast called "The Couch."
Part of Emotionally Focused Therapy is helping partners talk to each in a new and refreshing way. As therapists, we work to help people move from reactivity to vulnerability and tenderness in their communication. Accessing the underlying feelings that fuel conflict brings about new meaning and understanding drawing partners closer together rather than apart. Watch Dr. Sue Johnson and Dr. Rebecca Jorgensen in action.
Deb and Nao discuss the importance of emotional connection in relationships, some of the roadblocks, and how Emotionally Focused Therapy can help couples navigate emotions successfully. Check out their Podcast.
Jim Thomas, Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy Trainer, talks about EFT, relationships, technology and staying connected in our modern busy world. Really nice podcast on relationships. Click here to listen.
Bill's first conversation with Jim Thomas, is the second-most popular Conscious Couples Conversation since its inception. In today's podcast, Jim Thomas talks about how so many couples seem to have lost their way, and he reveals the benefits of Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) sessions and intensives.
Jim Thomas is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist. He has served as President of the Colorado Association for Marriage and Family Therapy and Director of the Colorado Center for Emotionally Focused Therapy or EFT – which learned from its creator, Sue Johnson. Jim’s work focuses on helping people to be more fully aware and engaged in their lives - allowing deeper connection with others and a richer life.
The subject of apologies has been coming up in sessions lately. What I have been discussing with others is what makes up a true and genuine apology. How does one truly say I am sorry? What kind of apology makes an actual relationship repair? How does one acknowledge wrong doing without getting defensive? And what if the other person did something hurtful, too? In Emotionally Focused Therapy we address injuries using something called the Attachment Injury Repair Model. Dr. Gannon and Dr. Jinich discuss this model and how to apply it in ours lives on the podcast developed by Hitched. Grab a cup of coffee and click here to enjoy an informative show. To read more about how to forgive click here.
Who new Alanis Morissette has a mental health podcast. So very cool. If you want to know more about Emotionally Focused Therapy for Couples. Here is the link. You have to open it in iTunes.
What is needed in successful relationships? The ability to REPAIR and move from disconnection to connection.
Evelyn Schmechtig -Cochran