Emotionally Focused Therapy For Couples
by Evelyn Schmechtig-Cochran, LMFT
"Emotionally Focused Therapy for Couples or EFT views the central problem in a distressed relationship as the loss of secure emotional connection and the pattern of negative interactions that both reflects and perpetuates the loss."
~Hold Me Tight Couples Workshop Manual
EFT for Couples is a three stage nine step process that takes a couple out of their negative repeating fights that are causing a couple distress, anguish and pain and into a new place of bonding and connection where the fights are resolvable and solutions can be found. It was created by Dr. Susan Johnson and based on research in attachment theory and emotion, as well as, on systems, humanistic, and experiential treatment models. As a model itself, it has been validated by research to help about 70% of couples achieve some long term gain. The therapist role is one of a process consultant. They highlight for people how they process their emotions and help them go deeper and reprocess the underlying meaning of their interactions creating new bonding events and helping them to heal past hurts.
"Compelling emotional signals that are meant to pull a partner closer or reduce conflict, become distorted and and shaped with criticism, anger or indifference. Negative spirals of interaction then erode trust and continually exacerbate each partner's natural vulnerabilities and sense of isolation." ~Hold Me Tight Couples Workshop Manual
Couples often come in having had a problem and negative interaction pattern for 5 to 7 years. This is a long time to have been experiencing distress and pain. In stage one of EFT, the therapist works with the couple to identify and break the negative cycle, pattern or what Dr. Johnson calls the dance that keeps them separated and in emotional distress. During this stage of therapy the therapist creates a safe environment, which helps the couple get more in touch with the underlying feelings, fears, and unmet relationship longings driving the negative dance. They show them how they process their emotions. For the couple, experiencing these emotions and seeing the other experience them, helps the couple to start to feel close again. Things at home start to go along more smoothly. There is a sense of calm and hope. Finally, in this stage, as de-escalation begins to take root, the individuals in the couple pair begin to see, feel, and understand that together they have created this dance of distress. Each person begins to understand more deeply the affect of his or her behavior on the other. Couple learns to work together as a team to stop the cycle.
"EFT helps partners take control of this negative dance and to clarify their emotional signals about attachment needs and fears in a way that encourages their partner to respond with love and compassion." ~Hold Me Tight Couples Workshop Manual
Once the couple begins to understand the dance they do together and is able to step back and stop it or repair it when it gets going at home, they are ready for stage two of EFT. Stage two essentially involves bonding moments where the couple begins to learn how to communicate their vulnerabilities to each other in a new and non-reactive manner. They are supported by the therapist to take risks in expressing their core sense of self, in asking for the other to be there for them and in requesting understanding and acceptance. Partners take turns reaching out to each other in vulnerability and responding back with empathy creating a new sense of togetherness and secure attachment. Emotion is expanded and heightened during this stage.
"A new emotional experience of secure connection, a sense that the other person can be accessible, responsive, and engaged transforms love relationships." ~Hold Me Tight Manual
After the couple has finished the bonding and restructuring events of stage two, they will begin to feel more secure with each other. During stage three, they feel like a team again. The narrative of their relationship has shifted to one where the distress and conflict is understood, resolved, and just part of the story. Sure, people still fight and sometimes even go back into their cycle. This is normal and will happen especially during times of stress. However, they are able to pull themselves out of it and be there for each other because their sense of self and experience of the relationship has changed. Because of this new ability and sense and during stage three, the focus is more practical and mostly involves consolidating gains and problem solving.
"Partners who are able to openly reach for and connect with each other can create the effective dependency that makes for a safe haven bond. This kind of bond promotes the growth and resilience of both individuals." ~Hold Me Tight Manual
~Hold Me Tight Couples Workshop Manual
EFT for Couples is a three stage nine step process that takes a couple out of their negative repeating fights that are causing a couple distress, anguish and pain and into a new place of bonding and connection where the fights are resolvable and solutions can be found. It was created by Dr. Susan Johnson and based on research in attachment theory and emotion, as well as, on systems, humanistic, and experiential treatment models. As a model itself, it has been validated by research to help about 70% of couples achieve some long term gain. The therapist role is one of a process consultant. They highlight for people how they process their emotions and help them go deeper and reprocess the underlying meaning of their interactions creating new bonding events and helping them to heal past hurts.
"Compelling emotional signals that are meant to pull a partner closer or reduce conflict, become distorted and and shaped with criticism, anger or indifference. Negative spirals of interaction then erode trust and continually exacerbate each partner's natural vulnerabilities and sense of isolation." ~Hold Me Tight Couples Workshop Manual
Couples often come in having had a problem and negative interaction pattern for 5 to 7 years. This is a long time to have been experiencing distress and pain. In stage one of EFT, the therapist works with the couple to identify and break the negative cycle, pattern or what Dr. Johnson calls the dance that keeps them separated and in emotional distress. During this stage of therapy the therapist creates a safe environment, which helps the couple get more in touch with the underlying feelings, fears, and unmet relationship longings driving the negative dance. They show them how they process their emotions. For the couple, experiencing these emotions and seeing the other experience them, helps the couple to start to feel close again. Things at home start to go along more smoothly. There is a sense of calm and hope. Finally, in this stage, as de-escalation begins to take root, the individuals in the couple pair begin to see, feel, and understand that together they have created this dance of distress. Each person begins to understand more deeply the affect of his or her behavior on the other. Couple learns to work together as a team to stop the cycle.
"EFT helps partners take control of this negative dance and to clarify their emotional signals about attachment needs and fears in a way that encourages their partner to respond with love and compassion." ~Hold Me Tight Couples Workshop Manual
Once the couple begins to understand the dance they do together and is able to step back and stop it or repair it when it gets going at home, they are ready for stage two of EFT. Stage two essentially involves bonding moments where the couple begins to learn how to communicate their vulnerabilities to each other in a new and non-reactive manner. They are supported by the therapist to take risks in expressing their core sense of self, in asking for the other to be there for them and in requesting understanding and acceptance. Partners take turns reaching out to each other in vulnerability and responding back with empathy creating a new sense of togetherness and secure attachment. Emotion is expanded and heightened during this stage.
"A new emotional experience of secure connection, a sense that the other person can be accessible, responsive, and engaged transforms love relationships." ~Hold Me Tight Manual
After the couple has finished the bonding and restructuring events of stage two, they will begin to feel more secure with each other. During stage three, they feel like a team again. The narrative of their relationship has shifted to one where the distress and conflict is understood, resolved, and just part of the story. Sure, people still fight and sometimes even go back into their cycle. This is normal and will happen especially during times of stress. However, they are able to pull themselves out of it and be there for each other because their sense of self and experience of the relationship has changed. Because of this new ability and sense and during stage three, the focus is more practical and mostly involves consolidating gains and problem solving.
"Partners who are able to openly reach for and connect with each other can create the effective dependency that makes for a safe haven bond. This kind of bond promotes the growth and resilience of both individuals." ~Hold Me Tight Manual
