Seven Principles by John Gottman, Ph.D
Why is marriage so stressful at times? And how can we prevent a marriage from going bad or rescue one that already has? After 40 years of research, John Gottman, Ph.D. has answered these questions. Here is what he says:
1. Enhance Your Love Maps: Emotionally close couples are familiar with each other’s world. They know each other inside and out. They know the important happenings in each other’s history. They know the day-to-day stuff and they keep updating their information. Application: Make sure you talk regularly about your hope, dreams, and even struggles.
2. Nurture Fondness & Admiration: Fondness and admiration are two of the most crucial elements in a long-lasting romance. Application: Make a list of all the things you love about your partner. Don't keep them to yourself but share them out loud. For example, I love it that my husband is a Tai Chi Master. I tell him this often and I also tell almost everyone I meet. This might be a little much but I am so proud of him and his discipline!
3. Turn Toward Each Other: In relationships people make requests for their partner’s attention, affection, and support. People either turn toward one another in response to these requests or they turn away. Turning toward is the basis of emotional connection, romance, passion, and a good sex life. It creates secure attachment. Application: Instead of just letting something go try going to your partner for support.
4. Let Your Partner Influence You: The happiest, most stable marriages are those in which the husband treats his wife with respect and does not resist sharing power and decision making with her. We all like it when we know others take us seriously and even follow or lead.
5. Solve Your Solvable Problems: Work together as a team to attack problems not each other goes a lone way.
6. Honor Each Others' Dreams: Support each other in your goals and dreams.
7. Create Shared Meaning: Marriage and relationships can have an intentional sense of shared purpose, meaning, family values, and cultural legacy that forms a shared inner life.
Taken and summarized from Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, By Dr. John Gottman PhD. and Nan Silver, Three Rivers Press, 1999. For further information on practical, research-based relationship tools for couples, contact The Gottman Institute at www.gottman.com and visit www.gottsex.com.
1. Enhance Your Love Maps: Emotionally close couples are familiar with each other’s world. They know each other inside and out. They know the important happenings in each other’s history. They know the day-to-day stuff and they keep updating their information. Application: Make sure you talk regularly about your hope, dreams, and even struggles.
2. Nurture Fondness & Admiration: Fondness and admiration are two of the most crucial elements in a long-lasting romance. Application: Make a list of all the things you love about your partner. Don't keep them to yourself but share them out loud. For example, I love it that my husband is a Tai Chi Master. I tell him this often and I also tell almost everyone I meet. This might be a little much but I am so proud of him and his discipline!
3. Turn Toward Each Other: In relationships people make requests for their partner’s attention, affection, and support. People either turn toward one another in response to these requests or they turn away. Turning toward is the basis of emotional connection, romance, passion, and a good sex life. It creates secure attachment. Application: Instead of just letting something go try going to your partner for support.
4. Let Your Partner Influence You: The happiest, most stable marriages are those in which the husband treats his wife with respect and does not resist sharing power and decision making with her. We all like it when we know others take us seriously and even follow or lead.
5. Solve Your Solvable Problems: Work together as a team to attack problems not each other goes a lone way.
6. Honor Each Others' Dreams: Support each other in your goals and dreams.
7. Create Shared Meaning: Marriage and relationships can have an intentional sense of shared purpose, meaning, family values, and cultural legacy that forms a shared inner life.
Taken and summarized from Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, By Dr. John Gottman PhD. and Nan Silver, Three Rivers Press, 1999. For further information on practical, research-based relationship tools for couples, contact The Gottman Institute at www.gottman.com and visit www.gottsex.com.