Boundaries in Relationships

From the California Therapist July/ August 1990.

Currently, there is a lot of talk and discussion about attachment in relationships and less about boundaries. We used to talk about boundaries in relationships a lot. While cleaning out a drawer, I found this checklist on boundaries in relationships. I used to hand it out to people often. I still think it is relevant and that it can go hand-in-hand with attachment. My thinking is that securely attached individuals probably have fewer problems with boundaries while the insecurely attached struggle a bit more setting them. I like this checklist because it is reflective in nature.

When you give up boundaries in a relationship you:

• Are unclear about your preferences
• Do not notice unhappiness since enduring is your concern
• Alter your behavior, plans or opinions to fit the current moods or circumstances of another (live reactively)
• Do more and more for less and less
• Take truth as the most recent opinion you have heard
• Live hopefully while wishing and waiting
• Are satisfied if you are coping and surviving
• Let the other's minimal improvement maintain your stalemate
• Have few hobbies because you have no attention span for self-directed activity
• Make exceptions for a person for things you would not tolerate in anyone else / accept alibis
• Are manipulated by flattery so that you lose objectivity
• Try to create intimacy with a narcissist
• Are so strongly affected by another that obsession results
• Will forsake every personal limit to get sex or the promise of it
• See your partner as causing your excitement
• Feel hurt and victimized but not angry
• Act out of compliance and compromise
• Do favors that you inwardly resist (cannot say no)
• Disregard intuition in favor of wishes
• Allow your partner to abuse your children or friends
• Mostly feel afraid and confused
• Are enmeshed in a drama that is beyond your control
• Are living a life that is not yours, and that seems unalterable
• Commit yourself for as long as the other needs you to be committed (no bottom line)
• Believe you have no right to secrets

When your boundaries are intact in a relationship:

• Have a clear preferences and act upon them
• Recognize when you are happy/ unhappy
• Acknowledge moods and circumstances around you while you remain centered (live actively) 
• Do more when it gets results
• Trust your own intuition while being open to other opinions
• Live optimistically while co-working on change
• Are only satisfied if you are thriving
• Are encouraged by sincere ongoing change for the better

• Have excited interest in self-enhancing hobbies and projects
• Have a personal standard, albeit flexible, that applies to everyone and asks for accountability
• Appreciate feedback and can distinguish it from attempts to manipulate
• Relate only to partners with whom mutual love is possible
• Are strongly affected by your partner's behavior and take it as information
• Integrate sex so that you can enjoy it but never at the cost of your integrity
• See your partner as stimulating your excitement
• Let yourself feel anger, say 'ouch' and embark upon a program of change
• Act out of agreement and negotiation
• Only do favors you choose to do (you can say no)
• Honor intuitions and distinguish them from wishes
• Insist others' boundaries be as safe as your own
• Mostly feel secure and clear
• Are always aware of choices
• Are living a life that mostly approximates what you always wanted fro yourself
• Decide how, to what extent, and how long you will be committed
• Protect your private matters without having to lie or be surreptitious