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Boundaries in Relationships

7/25/2013

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From the California Therapist July/ August 1990.

Currently, there is a lot of talk and discussion about attachment in relationships and less about boundaries. We used to talk about boundaries in relationships a lot. While cleaning out a drawer, I found this checklist on boundaries in relationships. I used to hand it out to people often. I still think it is relevant and that it can go hand-in-hand with attachment. My thinking is that securely attached individuals probably have fewer problems with boundaries while the insecurely attached struggle a bit more setting them. I like this checklist because it is reflective in nature.

When you give up boundaries in a relationship you:

  • Are unclear about your preferences
  • Do not notice unhappiness since enduring is your concern
  • Alter your behavior, plans or opinions to fit the current moods or circumstances of another (live reactively)
  • Do more and more for less and less
  • Take truth as the most recent opinion you have heard
  • Live hopefully while wishing and waiting
  • Are satisfied if you are coping and surviving
  • Let the other's minimal improvement maintain your stalemate
  • Have few hobbies because you have no attention span for self-directed activity
  • Make exceptions for a person for things you would not tolerate in anyone else / accept alibis
  • Are manipulated by flattery so that you lose objectivity
  • Try to create intimacy with a narcissist
  • Are so strongly affected by another that obsession results
  • Will forsake every personal limit to get sex or the promise of it
  • See your partner as causing your excitement
  • Feel hurt and victimized but not angry
  • Act out of compliance and compromise
  • Do favors that you inwardly resist (cannot say no)
  • Disregard intuition in favor of wishes
  • Allow your partner to abuse your children or friends
  • Mostly feel afraid and confused
  • Are enmeshed in a drama that is beyond your control
  • Are living a life that is not yours, and that seems unalterable
  • Commit yourself for as long as the other needs you to be committed (no bottom line)
  • Believe you have no right to secrets

When your boundaries are intact in a relationship:

  • Have a clear preferences and act upon them
  • Recognize when you are happy/ unhappy
  • Acknowledge moods and circumstances around you while you remain centered (live actively) 
  • Do more when it gets results
  • Trust your own intuition while being open to other opinions
  • Live optimistically while co-working on change
  • Are only satisfied if you are thriving
  • Are encouraged by sincere ongoing change for the better
  • Have excited interest in self-enhancing hobbies and projects
  • Have a personal standard, albeit flexible, that applies to everyone and asks for accountability
  • Appreciate feedback and can distinguish it from attempts to manipulate
  • Relate only to partners with whom mutual love is possible
  • Are strongly affected by your partner's behavior and take it as information
  • Integrate sex so that you can enjoy it but never at the cost of your integrity
  • See your partner as stimulating your excitement
  • Let yourself feel anger, say 'ouch' and embark upon a program of change
  • Act out of agreement and negotiation
  • Only do favors you choose to do (you can say no)
  • Honor intuitions and distinguish them from wishes
  • Insist others' boundaries be as safe as your own
  • Mostly feel secure and clear
  • Are always aware of choices
  • Are living a life that mostly approximates what you always wanted fro yourself
  • Decide how, to what extent, and how long you will be committed
  • Protect your private matters without having to lie or be surreptitious
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Nonviolent Communication

7/18/2013

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I was surfing around the web and came across resources for Nonviolent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg. I was pretty impressed and wanted to pass along these resources.

While watching the videos I realized that what I do in relationship counseling is very similar to what Rosenberg does with tribes and warring groups. I help couples and families get to and communicate what is at the heart of the matter. I do this by facilitating the expression of deep human needs within each person that are not being met in the relationship. This often promotes empathy and connection and dissolves anger. 

After thinking about how similar Nonviolent Communication was to Emotionally Focused Therapy for Couples and Families, my mind moved to its application to current events. It made me think of the Zimmerman/Trayvon Martin tragedy and how differently it all may have gone down if this way of thinking and interacting were promoted in our county. I felt sad knowing our country promotes ideas like "standing your ground " over empathic non-judgmental listening. The videos are long but worth a listen and a reflection. YouTube has tons more as well.


Resources:
Nonviolent Communication




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Forever Young: A Model Grandma 

7/6/2013

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Picture
Grandma died yesterday morning. She was 102. She loved life and she loved people, especially her family.

By Evelyn Schmechtig-Cochran 2008

This is Grandma. She is ninety-seven and three-quarters years old (in this picture she is 102). Doesn't she look great? She turns 98 in September of this year. I consider myself very lucky because I inherited her when I married my husband almost 22 years ago. She enjoys good health, an active mind, and a quick wit. As far as I can tell, Grandma has never really been one to spend very much money on herself. I am sure she could but she prefers to spend her money on what she feels is the most important thing in her life. This would be her family.

Almost every two years, during the summer, Grandma hosts her entire extended family for a family reunion. We always stay in very nice upscale places usually near the ocean and on the beach. Those who attend are her children, their spouses, some siblings of spouses, her nieces, and until recently her sister. Did I forget to say that all of her grandchildren, great grandchildren and their spouses attend, too? We are a pretty big bunch. I believe that all together we total 30 people.

Grandma loves these events. She enjoys the good company of family and the always excellent food prepared by her tribe of relatives. We are so lucky to have her around this long. We are blessed by her commitment to family and her generous spirit. She is quite an amazing women having survived two husbands, all of her siblings, and I am sure many other friends and family.

For me, the benefits of inheriting such a loving grandma have been many. What I am really thankful for are these regular events. They have given me a way to get to know my extended family in a way I probably would never have been able to do. This feels like a great support to me. In my heart, I know that these people are my family and that they love me.

Thank you, Grandma. It is because of your big heart that I get to experience this great joy.


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Creating Secure Attachment with Your Infant

7/1/2013

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I just found this great video on parenting an infant. This 22-minute video teaches parents how to create a secure attachment bond with their baby and overcome challenges that make connecting difficult. The attachment bond is the deep, lasting relationship that shapes your baby's lifelong development.

Check it out!
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  • Home
  • Evelyn Schmechtig-Cochran, M.A.
  • Online Therapy and Counseling California
  • Couple's Counseling
    • Couple's Therapy
    • Emotionally Focused Therapy for Couples
    • More on Emotionally Focused Therapy
    • Science of Love
    • Steps and Stages of Emotionally Focused Therapy
    • Why Choose Emotionally Focused Therapy?
    • Emotionally Focused Therapy and Diversity
    • EFT MRI Handholding Research
    • EFT Research
    • Emotionally Focused Therapy Publications
  • Contact
  • Services
  • Psychotherapy
    • Reasons People Get Counseling
    • Maximize your Experience
    • Therapy
    • What Can Be Addressed in Therapy?
    • When Should You Seek Counseling?
  • Blogs
    • Evelyn's Blog
    • Guest Blogger
  • Facebook Live Recordings
  • Payment Policy
    • Fees
    • Good Faith Estimate
  • For therapists
    • EFT Group Consultation for Therapists >
      • Relationship Help >
        • Relationship Checkup
        • What is a Healthy Marriage?
        • Relationships Tips
        • Relationship Tune Up
        • Principles That Work
        • Constructive Communication
        • Relationship Quotes
    • EFT Supervision for Therapists