From the California Therapist July/ August 1990.
Currently, there is a lot of talk and discussion about attachment in relationships and less about boundaries. We used to talk about boundaries in relationships a lot. While cleaning out a drawer, I found this checklist on boundaries in relationships. I used to hand it out to people often. I still think it is relevant and that it can go hand-in-hand with attachment. My thinking is that securely attached individuals probably have fewer problems with boundaries while the insecurely attached struggle a bit more setting them. I like this checklist because it is reflective in nature.
I was surfing around the web and came across resources for Nonviolent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg. I was pretty impressed and wanted to pass along these resources.
While watching the videos I realized that what I do in relationship counseling is very similar to what Rosenberg does with tribes and warring groups. I help couples and families get to and communicate what is at the heart of the matter. I do this by facilitating the expression of deep human needs within each person that are not being met in the relationship. This often promotes empathy and connection and dissolves anger.
After thinking about how similar Nonviolent Communication was to Emotionally Focused Therapy for Couples and Families, my mind moved to its application to current events. It made me think of the Zimmerman/Trayvon Martin tragedy and how differently it all may have gone down if this way of thinking and interacting were promoted in our county. I felt sad knowing our country promotes ideas like "standing your ground " over empathic non-judgmental listening. The videos are long but worth a listen and a reflection. YouTube has tons more as well.
Grandma died yesterday morning. She was 102. She loved life and she loved people, especially her family.
By Evelyn Schmechtig-Cochran 2008
This is Grandma. She is ninety-seven and three-quarters years old (in this picture she is 102). Doesn't she look great? She turns 98 in September of this year. I consider myself very lucky because I inherited her when I married my husband almost 22 years ago. She enjoys good health, an active mind, and a quick wit. As far as I can tell, Grandma has never really been one to spend very much money on herself. I am sure she could but she prefers to spend her money on what she feels is the most important thing in her life. This would be her family.
Almost every two years, during the summer, Grandma hosts her entire extended family for a family reunion. We always stay in very nice upscale places usually near the ocean and on the beach. Those who attend are her children, their spouses, some siblings of spouses, her nieces, and until recently her sister. Did I forget to say that all of her grandchildren, great grandchildren and their spouses attend, too? We are a pretty big bunch. I believe that all together we total 30 people.
Grandma loves these events. She enjoys the good company of family and the always excellent food prepared by her tribe of relatives. We are so lucky to have her around this long. We are blessed by her commitment to family and her generous spirit. She is quite an amazing women having survived two husbands, all of her siblings, and I am sure many other friends and family.
For me, the benefits of inheriting such a loving grandma have been many. What I am really thankful for are these regular events. They have given me a way to get to know my extended family in a way I probably would never have been able to do. This feels like a great support to me. In my heart, I know that these people are my family and that they love me.
Thank you, Grandma. It is because of your big heart that I get to experience this great joy.
I just found this great video on parenting an infant. This 22-minute video teaches parents how to create a secure attachment bond with their baby and overcome challenges that make connecting difficult. The attachment bond is the deep, lasting relationship that shapes your baby's lifelong development.
Check it out!
Evelyn Schmechtig -Cochran