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Yup. It totally happened to me. Before I knew it I was slimed. It happened at yoga, which really threw me off. I went to a crowded yoga class, and this person would not move their mat so I could get in. I even asked the individual in question to move so I could fit in. They moved all right! In a manner that made it even more difficult for me to fit in. My very sweet and nice yoga teacher stepped in and moved her mat totally off the floor so I could practice. Unfortunately, the sliming had already taken place. I was angry and took on a foul mood. So what the heck is being slimed anyway? My definition of being slimed, not a very technical word but you get the drift, is when you let someone else's bad energy, words, mood, attitude, or behavior totally take over your disposition and ruin your moment, your day, even your life. More clinically I think this would fall into the category of intrapersonal and interpersonal boundaries and how they intersect. Why does this happen to us and why so fast? I believe it is a flight or fight thing. It happens when we perceive threat. I think it is because we all have internal values and boundaries from our upbringing and culture. When those values get crossed we go into protection mode. I have a strong internal value around being polite. I was taught to say please and thank you growing up. As well, I was encouraged to share. When I think someone has crossed what I perceive as appropriate, I react. I perceive rudeness and take that energy on internally. But, I have choices. So, what can I, we, and you do about it? Well, first be aware that it happens. We sometimes let other people affect us and in some not so good ways. Second, we can also work hard to not assume the other is trying to threaten us or do us "wrong." There is no way to know what is going on with others unless we ask and they tell us. Most behaviors have an explanation. Most people have a story. Other things we can do are to talk to a buddy who understands us (I did this), or forgive the offending person for offending and yourself for reacting. Finally, we can remember, being human, we've probably slimed someone else without being aware of it. However, if this is a chronic reactive state, you may want to look at yourself and reflect on what is making you be so reactive. Are you overworked, stressed, or feeling generally unsupported in life? Ask yourself, "Who am I and what does this reaction say about me right now?" And importantly, if another person repeatedly acts in concrete ways that you perceive as disrespectful, you may have to decide whether or not talking to that person about the problem is warranted. Talking it out takes courage, but you'd be surprised at how healing it can be.
This is the first of many FB lives I hope to do. This one was on grief. I interviewed a local therapist, Angela Topcu, who has done extensive work with hospice. She has a great passion for helping those who have lost a loved one. It was great fun and I learned a lot. And I even figured out how to embed it onto this blog!
George Faller explains from personal experience what happens when a couple fights. What we do that makes the other feel alone, abandon and rejected. This is a great Youtube! My husband works for hospice. I really don't know how he does it: sit with, guide, and help people and their families in the later stages of illness and impending death. How does he do this, especially now, with his sister being in the final stage of metastatic breast cancer? It is in her brain and at this point no more treatment is recommended. We now just sit and watch her decline and slip away from us day by day. I cannot tell you how excruciating this is. I've been married for almost 31 years now and at this point sister-in-laws are no longer in-laws. They are sisters. My heart aches everyday. We all suffer: her husband, her daughter, her mother and father, her siblings and friends. The grieving is sometimes unbearable. My only comfort has been her peaceful and deeply spiritual disposition during much of our interactions. I don't know how to describe it but it is oddly reassuring. It is as if I am getting a small glimpse of the rest she will experience once her time on earth is complete. My brother-in-law, her husband, sent us all this very good article, which is attached, on family upheaval during terminal illness. It is really very good at outlining what families go through when a loved one is diagnosed with a terminal illness. I recommend it to anyone wishing to understand this process. I left the highlights my brother-in-law noted.
Kinds of Workplace Conflicts
Let’s start by identifying where conflicts happen. Think about the kinds of conflicts that happen around your workplace. • Disagreements over turf (who should do what) • Disagreements over policy (how things should be done) • Conflicts of personality and style Common Ways of Dealing with Conflict These are some of the ways we typically deal with conflict. Do you see yourself in any of them? • Avoid the conflict. • Deny the conflict; wait until it goes away. • Change the subject. • React emotionally; become aggressive, abusive, hysterical, or frightening. • Find someone to blame. • Make excuses. • Delegate the situation to someone else. All of these responses are nonproductive. Some of them are actually destructive. This is why learning to manage conflict is so important. Effect on Work Relationships The workplace is a system of relationships. Relationships have many different aspects; here are several examples: Trust Teamwork Quality Morale Self-esteem Loyalty Respect for boss When conflicts are handled well, there’s a positive effect on work relationships. When they are not, these factors can deteriorate. Productivity and the free expression of ideas are also impacted. Sometimes in relationships people get stuck in a pattern of distress where one person pursues for connection in a demanding style and the partner feels overwhelmed and criticized and perhaps shuts down or maybe gets defensive. Ever wonder what is going on for the more withdrawing partner? If we get below the surface, research shows that the more quiet partner is as distressed as the more vocal partner. They often say things like, "I feel like I can't get it right or I am numb or I don't want to make it worse between us." They often report feeling rejected, inadequate, fearful of failure, overwhelmed, numb, frozen, afraid, not wanted, judged or shamed. To find out more about what it is to have a more withdrawing style listen to this podcast called "The Couch."
Part of Emotionally Focused Therapy is helping partners talk to each in a new and refreshing way. As therapists, we work to help people move from reactivity to vulnerability and tenderness in their communication. Accessing the underlying feelings that fuel conflict brings about new meaning and understanding drawing partners closer together rather than apart. Watch Dr. Sue Johnson and Dr. Rebecca Jorgensen in action. Deb and Nao discuss the importance of emotional connection in relationships, some of the roadblocks, and how Emotionally Focused Therapy can help couples navigate emotions successfully. Check out their Podcast.
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