WINDOWS OF OPPORTUNITY COUNSELING SERVICES
  • Home
  • Our Team
    • Evelyn Schmechtig-Cochran, M.A.
    • Sugar
  • Online Therapy and Counseling California
  • Contact
  • Services
  • Couple's Counseling
    • Couple's Therapy
    • Emotionally Focused Therapy for Couples
    • More on Emotionally Focused Therapy
    • Science of Love
    • Steps and Stages of Emotionally Focused Therapy
    • Why Choose Emotionally Focused Therapy?
    • Emotionally Focused Therapy and Diversity
    • EFT MRI Handholding Research
    • EFT Research
    • Emotionally Focused Therapy Publications
  • Psychotherapy
    • Reasons People Get Counseling
    • Maximize your Experience
    • Therapy
    • What Can Be Addressed in Therapy?
    • When Should You Seek Counseling?
  • Blogs
    • Evelyn's Blog
  • Facebook Live Recordings
  • Payment Policy
    • Fees
    • Good Faith Estimate
  • For therapists
    • EFT Group Consultation for Therapists >
      • Relationship Help >
        • Relationship Checkup
        • What is a Healthy Marriage?
        • Relationships Tips
        • Relationship Tune Up
        • Principles That Work
        • Constructive Communication
        • Relationship Quotes
    • EFT Supervision for Therapists

Marriage and Committed Relationships: Keeping Your Relationship Tuned Up

7/7/2010

0 Comments

 
Why do some relationships last forever and others fall apart? Here are some ways you can make your partner feel appreciated again and prevent your relationship from becoming a casualty.
Ways to Keep Your Relationship Tuned Up

1.Treat your partner as you would your boss, best friend, or best customer. show respect, love, and kindness.

2.Think about what your partner wants and give it to him or her. John Gottman, Ph.D says that receiving influence from one's spouse is a major indicator of marital happiness. Consider your spouse or partner's advise. It shows that you care and the he or she counts.

3.Think of ways you can do the unexpected and be thoughtful. Remember how  you acted when you wanted to win your partner over. These acts of thoughtfulness remind your partner that he or she is on your mind. This creates safety and security in the relationship.

4.Express your thoughts carefully. Being married doesn’t give anyone permission to let it all hang out. Be caring and assertive but not aggressive and abusive. Be present and engaged. Being too aggressive can create a pursue/ withdrawal pattern in the relationship that can spiral out-of-control.

5.Spend regular time together alone without the family or the kids. Being together enjoying each other builds positive memories that can keep you positive when the going gets tough.

6.Look for ways to compliment your partner. We all need to know that people see the good and special parts of ourselves.

8.Hug when you say hello and goodbye. It feels good and it makes people feel loved. Rituals like this are so important to establish a secure bond between people.

9.When your partner does something for you, say thank you. When your partner comes home after a day at work, greet her at the door and say hello. Ask how his or her day went. When your partner leaves for work in the morning, say goodbye and “I love you” or “Have a good day.” When your partner faces a challenge at work during the day, ask how it went when you get home or call during the day to see how the he or she is doing. This all says, "I love you, you are on my mind, we are a team."

10.Learn and practice communication skills. Relating successfully to another person requires a set of skills that can be learned.

11.During your evening meal together, avoid the temptation to watch television or read the paper or mail. Look at your partner and have a conversation.

12.If you want to make plans that affect how your partner will be spending time, check with him first and make sure it’s convenient.

13.When you ask your partner a question, make eye contact, and listen to the answer.

14.When you disagree with something your partner says, pay attention to your response. Do you express your opinion without putting him or her down? You can express your opinion assertively rather than aggressively.

15.Pay attention to how much of your side of the conversation is asking questions versus making statements. If you tend to be the dominant one, ask more questions.

16.Ask open-ended questions to encourage your partner to open up and talk. Open-ended questions begin like this:
    a.    Tell me about...
    b.    What do you think of...
    c.    What was it like when...

17.Have you become passive with your partner because that is the easiest way to avoid conflict? Over time, this is not a good idea. You will inevitably begin to build up feelings of resentment because you are stifling your feelings, thoughts, and opinions. If you think you are choosing passive behavior too often, think about discussing it with your partner and asking him to help you be more assertive. Holding things in and withdrawing from a relationship can trigger feelings of insecurity in one's partner. It can trigger the pursue/ withdraw cycle often seen in counselor's offices. Try to stay present and engaged to avoid this.

18.Check your communication with your partner and beware of using “You” messages.    These statements begin with you.

For example:

You need to come home by 6:00 tonight.
You should not do that.
You should call me from the office and tell me when you will be home.

Here is what you ought to do.

“You” messages are damaging because they make the other person feel bad or disrespected. It feels like you are talking down to him or her.
If you want to demonstrate to your partner that you respect and esteem him or her, try speaking with “I” messages instead. When you start your statement with “I,” you are taking responsibility for the statement. It is less blaming and less negative than the “you” message.

You can use this formula: Your feelings + Describe the behavior + Effect on you. This is how an “I” message sounds: When I heard that you’d planned a weekend up north, I was confused about why you hadn’t asked me first, so I could be sure to get the time off. It takes some practice and you have to stop and think about what you are going to say, but your marriage deserves to be handled with care.

19.Make a list of your partner’s positive qualities. Share them with him and tell her why you think each is true.


20.Respect each other’s private space. Over time, many couples let this slide.
0 Comments

Your comment will be posted after it is approved.


Leave a Reply.

    Picture

    Evelyn Schmechtig -Cochran

    Proud Member of TherapyDen
    verified by NetworkTherapy.com
    verified by Psychology Today
    Evelyn Schmechtig-Cochran, LMFT verified by GoodTherapy.org
    Google+
    ​INSTAGRAM

    Categories

    All
    Abusive Relationship
    Addiction
    Affairs
    Affordable Care Act
    Alanis Morissette
    Anger
    Anxiety
    Apologies
    Attachment
    Attachment Injury Repair Model
    Attachment Styles
    Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder
    Beck's Depression Inventory
    Betrayal
    Bonding
    Boundaries
    Break Ups
    Buddhist Meditation
    Career Crisis
    Communication
    Compassion
    Connection
    Couples
    Couples Counseling
    Couples Therapy
    COVID-19
    Depression
    Desire
    Domestic Violence
    Dr. Sue Johnson
    DSM-5
    EFT
    Emotionally Focused Therapy For Couples
    Emotions
    Enneagram
    Erectile Dysfunction
    Family
    Family Life Cycle
    Fear Of Partner
    Feelings
    Forgiveness
    Gottman Principles
    Grief
    Hand Holding
    Happiness
    Healthy Families
    Healthy Marriage
    Indian Commandments
    Infidelity
    Joblessness
    Job Loss
    Life Transitions
    Listening Skills
    Loss
    Love
    Marriage
    Meditation
    Men's Issues
    Mindfulness
    Narcissism And Realtionships
    Nonviolent Communication
    Overwhelmed
    Parenting
    Political Anxiety
    Porn
    Post Traumatic Stress
    Raising Sons
    Rejection
    Relationship Repair
    Relationships
    Relationships And Technology
    Sex
    Sexual Addiction
    Sexual Compulsivity
    Shame
    Stress
    Stress Reduction
    Success
    Symptoms Of Depression
    Teen Depression
    Terminal Illness
    Trauma
    Unemployment
    War
    Withdrawers
    Work Issues
    Work Related Issues
    Yoga

    Blog Directory
    General Health Blogs - Blog Catalog Blog Directory
    Blog Directory
    Submit my blog General-Health
    web directories
    Top Blogs

    Archives

    March 2022
    April 2020
    March 2020
    February 2020
    January 2020
    December 2019
    November 2019
    June 2019
    May 2019
    April 2019
    November 2018
    August 2018
    June 2018
    March 2018
    February 2018
    January 2018
    December 2017
    September 2017
    August 2017
    June 2017
    April 2017
    March 2017
    February 2017
    January 2017
    October 2016
    August 2016
    July 2016
    May 2016
    March 2016
    February 2016
    January 2016
    October 2015
    August 2015
    July 2015
    June 2015
    May 2015
    April 2015
    February 2015
    January 2015
    December 2014
    November 2014
    October 2014
    September 2014
    August 2014
    July 2014
    June 2014
    March 2014
    January 2014
    December 2013
    November 2013
    October 2013
    September 2013
    August 2013
    July 2013
    June 2013
    May 2013
    April 2013
    March 2013
    February 2013
    December 2012
    September 2012
    June 2012
    May 2012
    December 2011
    November 2011
    October 2011
    July 2011
    June 2011
    May 2011
    April 2011
    March 2011
    February 2011
    January 2011
    October 2010
    July 2010
    April 2010
    November 2009
    April 2009
    December 2008
    November 2008

​Serving all of California Online
39899 Balentine Dr.
Newark, Ca 94560
copyright @ 2004-2022 Evelyn Schmechtig, M.A., LMFT All rights Reserved
Photo used under Creative Commons from afunkydamsel
  • Home
  • Our Team
    • Evelyn Schmechtig-Cochran, M.A.
    • Sugar
  • Online Therapy and Counseling California
  • Contact
  • Services
  • Couple's Counseling
    • Couple's Therapy
    • Emotionally Focused Therapy for Couples
    • More on Emotionally Focused Therapy
    • Science of Love
    • Steps and Stages of Emotionally Focused Therapy
    • Why Choose Emotionally Focused Therapy?
    • Emotionally Focused Therapy and Diversity
    • EFT MRI Handholding Research
    • EFT Research
    • Emotionally Focused Therapy Publications
  • Psychotherapy
    • Reasons People Get Counseling
    • Maximize your Experience
    • Therapy
    • What Can Be Addressed in Therapy?
    • When Should You Seek Counseling?
  • Blogs
    • Evelyn's Blog
  • Facebook Live Recordings
  • Payment Policy
    • Fees
    • Good Faith Estimate
  • For therapists
    • EFT Group Consultation for Therapists >
      • Relationship Help >
        • Relationship Checkup
        • What is a Healthy Marriage?
        • Relationships Tips
        • Relationship Tune Up
        • Principles That Work
        • Constructive Communication
        • Relationship Quotes
    • EFT Supervision for Therapists